Thursday, August 23, 2018

MICROWAVE MASSACRE - “The Worst Horror Movie Of All Time”



How can you tell a movie is going to be good? When it opens with shameless T&A shots, that’s how.

Ok, so that isn’t true at all. But that is how this movie starts out, and its pretty damn bad and good all in one. It’s sick, its twisted, its wrong and disgusting, and the acting is 98% awful beyond belief. The jokes are stupid, delivered with the assistance of 70’s porno music and a variety of interchangeable hookers and strippers. Why would someone watch this movie?


I watch it because it’s sick, twisted, wrong and disgusting, and I happen to really like 70’s porno music.



Jackie Vernon.  You may also remember him as Frosty the Snowman. 
We follow our star Donald, played by Jackie Vernon (AKA Frosty the Snowman in the old cartoon movie,) as he hones his newfound taste for female flesh, in more ways than one. His nagging wife is a horrible cook, and he would give anything for a bologna and cheese instead of her attempts at fine french cuisine prepared in their monster-sized microwave oven. Apparently this microwave is all the rage but, just like food prepared in them today, Mae’s cooking is awful. Donald tries to be polite for as long as possible, but he CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! Thankfully, there is an incident and they break up, in a way. I will leave the details for the movie, but let’s just say Donald won’t have to worry about eating Mae’s cooking anymore.

So what is a free and single guy with a big appetite to do? He makes friends with two younger guys he works construction with, and they head out together in search of chicks. Donald is loving the new single life when he goes into the garage for a midnight snack. Forgetting that he stored Mae in the refrigerator he gets his first taste of HUMAN FLESH, and decides he likes Mae better this way. Mae was packing on the pounds in the later years of their marriage, but she still only lasts so long. So Donald goes out in search of women to screw AND eat. And because he is a nice guy, he also shares the spoils of his new love of cooking with his best buds. What a guy!


"I don't know how you do it, but it gets better every time"

Of course this can’t go on forever, its too perfect a deal. But whatever happens to Donald I will leave for you to find out. What I will tell you is that Donald is one of the most fun and sympathetic killers of any movie. He is a simple guy, and he wants a simple life. His wife wants to make things all fancy and complicated and nags him to no end for not going along with it. Who wouldn’t want to be free of that? Once he gets away from her he can be himself again; he tells bad jokes, never washes his car, sleeps with women with no strings attached; Donald lives a bachelor’s paradise.

MICROWAVE MASSACRE started as a story written by Craig Muckler (neighbor in women’s underwear) for a class taught by Irv Berwick, the classic b-movie director, who’s son Wayne would go on to direct the film. It is purposefully exploitative, low budget, and B-stock all the way. It never pretends to be anything else, and it never lets you down. The story is unique and witty, and add in a bit of cannibalism and you’ve got yourself something really special.

"I may have underestimated Mae's taste!"
This movie is full of bad jokes told by bad actors. By bad actors I don’t mean people who are trying hard and sucking, I mean people who have never acted before and, in most cases, never acted again. So they are telling it like it is, really. Corny puns told by someone without an acting lesson actually makes it funnier – you can see the joke coming, its presented, and when you laugh at it you might get a little embarrassed if anyone is watching. I would call these “Dad jokes” all the way. They aren’t cool, they certainly aren’t funny, but they are pretty clever and you have to give them credit for that. You end up really liking the person who tells the stupid joke awkwardly and, if you’re anything like me, you might find yourself quoting the lamest of them in public and giggling like a maniac, just a little.








So what is the moral of a sick, twisted, wrong and disgusting story like this? I think it goes something like – relax, chill out, and taste the finer things in life!




Check out this and other horrible, disgusting, stupidly amazing movies on our YouTube channel, www.youtube.com/OutThereMovies