MICROWAVE MASSACRE - “The Worst Horror Movie Of All Time”

How can you tell a movie is going to be good? When it opens with shameless T&A shots, that’s how.

Ok, so that isn’t true at all. But that is how this movie starts out, and its pretty damn bad and good all in one. It’s sick, its twisted, its wrong and disgusting, and the acting is 98% awful beyond belief. The jokes are stupid, delivered with the assistance of 70’s porno music and a variety of interchangeable hookers and strippers. Why would someone watch this movie?

I watch it because it’s sick, twisted, wrong and disgusting, and I happen to really like 70’s porno music.

Jackie Vernon.  You may also remember him as Frosty the Snowman. 

We follow our star Donald, played by Jackie Vernon (AKA Frosty the Snowman in the old cartoon movie,) as he hones his newfound taste for female flesh, in more ways than one. His nagging wife is a horrible cook, and he would give anything for a bologna and cheese instead of her attempts at fine french cuisine prepared in their monster-sized microwave oven. Apparently this microwave is all the rage but, just like food prepared in them today, Mae’s cooking is awful. Donald tries to be polite for as long as possible, but he CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! Thankfully, there is an incident and they break up, in a way. I will leave the details for the movie, but let’s just say Donald won’t have to worry about eating Mae’s cooking anymore.

So what is a free and single guy with a big appetite to do? He makes friends with two younger guys he works construction with, and they head out together in search of chicks. Donald is loving the new single life when he goes into the garage for a midnight snack. Forgetting that he stored Mae in the refrigerator he gets his first taste of HUMAN FLESH, and decides he likes Mae better this way. Mae was packing on the pounds in the later years of their marriage, but she still only lasts so long. So Donald goes out in search of women to screw AND eat. And because he is a nice guy, he also shares the spoils of his new love of cooking with his best buds. What a guy!

"I don't know how you do it, but it gets better every time"

Of course this can’t go on forever, its too perfect a deal. But whatever happens to Donald I will leave for you to find out. What I will tell you is that Donald is one of the most fun and sympathetic killers of any movie. He is a simple guy, and he wants a simple life. His wife wants to make things all fancy and complicated and nags him to no end for not going along with it. Who wouldn’t want to be free of that? Once he gets away from her he can be himself again; he tells bad jokes, never washes his car, sleeps with women with no strings attached; Donald lives a bachelor’s paradise.

MICROWAVE MASSACRE started as a story written by Craig Muckler (neighbor in women’s underwear) for a class taught by Irv Berwick, the classic b-movie director, who’s son Wayne would go on to direct the film. It is purposefully exploitative, low budget, and B-stock all the way. It never pretends to be anything else, and it never lets you down. The story is unique and witty, and add in a bit of cannibalism and you’ve got yourself something really special.

"I may have underestimated Mae's taste!"

This movie is full of bad jokes told by bad actors. By bad actors I don’t mean people who are trying hard and sucking, I mean people who have never acted before and, in most cases, never acted again. So they are telling it like it is, really. Corny puns told by someone without an acting lesson actually makes it funnier – you can see the joke coming, its presented, and when you laugh at it you might get a little embarrassed if anyone is watching. I would call these “Dad jokes” all the way. They aren’t cool, they certainly aren’t funny, but they are pretty clever and you have to give them credit for that. You end up really liking the person who tells the stupid joke awkwardly and, if you’re anything like me, you might find yourself quoting the lamest of them in public and giggling like a maniac, just a little.

So what is the moral of a sick, twisted, wrong and disgusting story like this? I think it goes something like – relax, chill out, and taste the finer things in life!

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EATING RAOUL - The Best Movie You've Never Seen

BONK!

If you haven’t seen this movie yet, your life is not complete. You cannot die. Well, plenty of people have died without seeing this movie, but let’s say that isn’t really living. EATING RAOUL is the most uplifting, inspiring story of murderers/stalkers/cannibals ever told. If you’ve ever been passed over for a promotion, ignored by someone who you were working extra hard for, or thought “why them and not me?” then this is a film you will love. Sex, drugs and full-frontal nudity run rampant and the good guys prevail thanks to the party.

This film is the introduction of Paul and Mary Bland, characters reprised in numerous movies over the following decade, but I’ll leave those to you to identify in the comments below. The Blands are an uptight and old fashioned couple living in the swinging 80’s in L.A. Everyone they see is sexually perverse and every bit revolting to the straight-laced couple. But like anyone in Hollywood they dream big, they wish to one day open their own restaurant in the suburbs. Ahh, the trees, living above the store: real small town life Gilmore Girls style. 

Sounds great except the Blands don’t have any money. They can’t pay the bills and their jobs suck, they work their asses off all day while the swingers get high and screw and have money falling out of whichever orifice they prefer that evening. It isn’t until Mary is attacked by a swinger and Paul hits him over the head with a frying pan that they see just how they can get the money for their dream – at the expense of “horrible, sex-crazed maniacs no one in the world would miss...” With help from their friend Doris the Dominatrix the Blands learn their way around the world of kink, and Raoul swoops in to add the final piece of the puzzle; what does a nice young couple do with their victim’s body after they have looted it? Raoul has some friends that are in the market for just such an item...

So look, if you dream of something you don’t have yet, this movie will resonate with you. Maybe you’ll be upset they thought of the idea first, but no one carries cash anymore anyway so the idea needs some tweaking, maybe Apple Pay. The Blands are painfully proper but anyone can relate to their situation as they work towards their dream. The more angry and upset they get, the harder things seem to get. But their opportunity comes, like it will for all of us! They get to profit from the scum of the earth they have such disdain for, and they loosen up a bit in the process. You would never guess you’d see these two stiffs at a rich swingers party in the Hollywood Hills, but you will (WARNING: NUDITY!).

One thing I really enjoy about this movie other than the vengeful story line is the set design. The Blands’ apartment is decked out 50’s style, with mother’s furniture, retro mirrors and pillars of cacti. Their double beds give them the space they both seek, but best is the stuffed wine bottle that Paul sleeps with. Paul Giamatti’s character in SIDEWAYS probably has the same one and clutches it with the same love and adoration. The x-rays in the background while Mary and Raoul have their fling are easy to miss at first, and even harder to see at the swinger’s party over the fireplace in their fancy artwork form, but they are there. The artwork in the Bland apartment as they become more comfortable with their sexuality, and a little more greedy, changes also, along with the flourishes they use for each client they go out of their way to please before bopping over the head and disposing of the body via Raoul and his friends at the Doggy King dog food factory.

EATING RAOUL is one of my favorite movies of all time. The story is a feel-good, heartwarming tale of success, overcoming the obstacles of life to achieve your biggest goals, and doing it as a team, a husband and wife together. Aww, how cute. But in this day and age you can’t do anything by being nice. You have to be calculating, purposeful, and a little greedy. The Blands learn that the sexually liberated people they hate the most are actually the people who will make their goals possible, and if they use their brains their dreams will come true.

Hey, if I could be rich and sit by my pool and order drinks delivered to me all day, and all I had to do was hit a bunch of my worst enemies in the head with a frying pan, I would call it a pretty fair trade, wouldn’t you?

P.S. - Why is it called EATING RAOUL? You’ll never know if you don’t watch the film all the way to the end!

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HE KNOWS YOU'RE ALONE - You Don't Know Horror Films If You Don't Know This One

There is a killer on the loose who murders only young brides. Our main character Amy (Caitlin O’Heaney) is probably, maybe, no really, going to get married in a week, but while her meat-head fiance is out of town her nice, mortician ex-boyfriend keeps popping by to get her to change her mind. Also popping in and out of her day is the killer, although she doesn’t know that is his intention, yet.

Len Gamble, a cop who was going to marry one of the killer’s earliest victims, is hot on the trail of the killer, just one step behind him. He has vowed to get the man responsible for the killings and his job depends on it. But as the killer closes in on his next victim we have to ask - will he make it in time to save Amy?

This killer is TERRIFYING. He brutalizes flailing, struggling girls as they desperately try to get away. He pops up out of nowhere, looking like a creep with those maniac eyes (or read “Terror Eyes” for us 80's horror geeks!) Sometimes you see him coming up from behind, sometimes you have forgotten about him altogether, lulled into complacency by the fun-loving, innocent characters. He is scary as shit, definitely this scary…

Tom Hanks plays his first feature role in this gem and is very much his funny and charismatic self. The movie is full of famous faces, including Paul Gleason (THE BREAKFAST CLUB), James Rebhorn (Stephen King’s CAT’S EYE), Dana Barron (NATIONAL LAMPOON’S VACATION), and Don Scardino (30 ROCK and TONS of TV directing). Director Armand Mastrioanni has directed countless TV shows and movies, and I must admit I recognized his name from a few classic Lifetime movies (embarassing but true).

The killer in HE KNOWS YOU’RE ALONE is portrayed with a secrecy that leads the audience to think he may be real, or he may be a figment of Amy’s imagination. Tom Hanks’ character has his own theory, being a first-year psychology major he’s got it pegged as a sexual fear and gives us a good laugh in the way that made him famous not long after this. But it becomes clear as the movie progresses that jump scares, fearfulness, and the stalking killer appear whenever Amy is having doubts about her wedding. Otherwise, Amy and her friends are giddy all-American girls living life in its prime, and only doubt ruins what is otherwise perfection.

And how about funny slasher movies? They are the best kind. When a movie makes you laugh, scream, and grossed out all in one, that covers all the bases for me. The characters in this film are all goofy and charming and remind us of the excitement of being free for the first time. They make you feel at ease, happy and content with the way things are at this very moment, which makes the shattering of that joy even more shocking. If you wanted a feel-good movie from the Hallmark channel, you could take a good chunk of this movie, change the ending, and you’d have it. But since we tend more towards the spooky, gory, and creepy here at Out There Movies, this takes things to the next level.

One of the coolest scenes in the movie is in Amy’s house, when Nancy is there alone. The song they play has a perfect 80s cheese-factor, but when she plugs the headphones in and you hear the song through the headphones on the floor, the sound effect is so cool. It sums up the movie perfectly – take shower, smoke a joint and drink wine to music, and then…………….

Are there any downsides to this movie? I don’t think so, I highly recommend it. It is warm and fuzzy when it wants to be, then dark and deep just when you think you’ve had enough. You can enjoy it for the slasher, stalker movie it is, or you can get to really thinking about its message, which I’ve done time and time again watching this great movie. That, and wanting to be an 18 year old girl in the late 70s because it looks like such a blast, as long as there aren’t any killers around.

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